It’s back to school season which means spending insane amounts of money on books, getting a new wardrobe even though we won’t be leaving our rooms and gearing up for another round of drama surrounding relationships and hookups! College just isn’t college without those three things. It’s been a few months since a confession on this topic was posted and I got a lottttt of submissions this time around. If you were one of the awesome people who sent in an excerpt and don’t see it here, it’s just because there were too many! It will be in the next one! There is a lot about first college experiences and thoughts on the hookup culture that college entertains, so buckle up. This is going to be a good one!
“Even before college I had expectations for hookup culture. It’s basically everywhere. It’s just known in college when you put all these teenagers together with no supervision everyone’s going to wild out. However, I’m one of the lucky ones that met my boyfriend freshman year, through a hookup. Luckily I got out of the college hookup crowd pretty quickly. It’s full of boys wanting too much and girls feeling like they have to give it all... It’s the pressure of hookup culture and it’s toxic.”
There is definitely a heavy amount of pressure that comes with hooking up in college, for both girls and guys. People start to count, compare, judge, repeat. The talk amongst your friends becomes who did you get with the night before or what went wrong. Eventually, that talk spreads outside of your friends and before you know it everyone knows who got with who. Someone always ends up feeling bad and that shouldn’t be the case. I feel like there is this HUGE misconception that going to college requires you to get with someone every time you go out to a party or else the night wasn’t a good one.
Let me put it this way: Nobody cares whether or not you get with 100 people or 0 people while you are at college - although 100 seems a bit much and I would maybe tone it down a bit. It is NOT a competition, even though some people like to pretend that it is. You do you!
“The first boy that I had sex with at college was in the same circle as me. We made out at a party and that was it. Then, the next day was another party and that night we had sex. It’s weird to think about because we were hooking up consistently but only when we would go out to the club or a party...it was never on a Tuesday, you know? It was strictly weekends. But I was fine with it. I would be more excited to go out because I knew I had someone to hook up with…but then winter break happened and we came back and I was ready to see him again but the feeling wasn’t mutual...lol....I felt so shitty because I was like why doesn’t he want to date me?!”
First of all, that boy should’ve been talking to you on a Tuesday because you deserve to be talked to on a weekday, not just over the weekend. I HATE how you can get with someone at a party, see them the next day walking to class and ignore each other and then see them that night and all is fine again. No, that isn’t how communication works. That shouldn’t be how this works. Second of all, I totally get the feeling of being excited to go out knowing that there is someone there who will be looking for you and wanting to see you there. But, why can’t we just enjoy a night out with our friends without the thought of having to hookup with someone?
“My single friends are such fun, smart, beautiful people who should have no problem finding love, but today’s hookup culture is so hindering! So many opportunities for real connection are lost when we default them to casual hookups, the widely accepted norm on college campuses. It’s hard to open up to someone when there’s a chance you’re just their current f***. Emotions and loyalty are newly against the grain.”
This person is so right. I am fun, smart and beautiful! I’m just kidding. But seriously, what ever happened to the good old fashioned asking somebody out on a date? Yeah, I said it. A DATE. It’s like our generation is allergic to that concept or something. (If you just sneezed, bless you.) I hate to break it to you, but no, messaging over Snapchat a few times a week or hanging out after a party does not count. I know, shocking. Maybe try to get to know someone you like! Get coffee after class...and drink it together over Zoom!
“I was in a long distance relationship for most of my college experience, so I have just recently participated in “hookup culture.” I think the most important thing to remember when engaging in hookup culture is to set standards and stick to them. It’s hard to summarize everyone’s experience in one statement because everyone truly responds to hookup culture differently. For me, I know that I can’t have a physical connection with someone without feelings attached, so I know to be more cautious in that area. I have friends that are able to hook up with someone and don’t need more, but since I know that I am not that way, I set boundaries to make sure that I am respecting my needs. At the same time, though, sometimes it can be fun to let go a little bit and realize that it isn’t always so serious. As long as you feel comfortable, I say do what feels right for you!”
I think that setting boundaries sounds like a good plan. It might be easier said than done, but it is a great idea. When you get to college, you may feel like you have to jump into certain things right away and that isn’t the case. You’ll come to realize sooner or later what you are comfortable with doing in terms of what you want out of the situation. Everyone is different. Just because your friends hook up with a bunch of different people without wanting more doesn’t mean that you have to do the same thing. Like I said before, you do you. Take a second to think about what it is that you want and what it is that will make you feel your best, not the opposite.
“I guess I generally stray from one night stands and such because of the emotional aftermath. I find myself really confused and yearning for something or regretting that decision after the fact...I tend to reserve that for people that I am emotionally invested in. Regarding the general vibe around hookup culture, I think it creates a lot of issues because people go out with the sole purpose of wanting to have sex, and maybe doing things that they wouldn’t normally do in order to achieve that. Even at the most liberal and progressive schools, a lot of people feel unsafe at parties and with good reason. Overall I think that sex and physical intimacy are things that should be talked about before during and after it’s happened and communication among sexual partners is something that’s often lacking in a lot of college communities.”
I like what this person said. In fact, say it louder for the people in the back! There is absolutely, 100% an emotional component of being with somebody whether both parties want to admit it or not. Even if there was just a kiss involved! I don’t like using the term “attached” because it sounds kind of obsessive, but it’s totally normal to catch feelings or want more out of someone after hanging out with them once or twice. That’s called getting to know someone! Unfortunately, there are people out there, both guys and girls, who don’t really take those feelings into account, and in the end often hurt the other person in the situation whether they realize they are doing it or not. Moral of the story: Don’t get with someone just because you feel like you HAVE to get with someone. If that is going to make you upset the next day or regret it, don’t do it. If you think it might make the other person upset the next day or regret it, don’t do it.