Growing up, my main gig was soccer. It’s what I played from the time I was 5 to when I was 19. My weekends were filled with traveling hours for games, weeknights were spent at late practices and holidays were spent in the middle of nowhere for tournaments.
I loved it and it was so much fun, until I didn’t and it wasn’t.
Being a center back, I loved how I was able to see the whole field. I loved how communicative I was with my teammates and how much I was able to trust the others on the back line. But, I was also the last line before the goalie. If a goal was ever scored, I saw it as my fault.
The earliest memory I have of me crying because of a loss was when I was 10 or 11. We lost 5-0 to the ladybugs and I completely shut down. I didn’t talk to my parents, I stayed in my room until dinner crying on my bed, and when it came time to eat, I walked to the kitchen without making eye contact, quickly ate and got up and left.
As embarrassing as it is to admit, that pattern would continue for pretty much the rest of my playing career to some extent. I pretty much saw any loss as a direct failure of mine - not super healthy, I know (I learned a lot about this in a Sports Psychology class last semester and if you have this at your school you NEED to take it, athlete or not.) Sure, as I grew older and I got into more competitive levels of the game, there was more pressure. But to think about where that pressure was coming from, I realize it was just coming from myself.
I was the only one blaming myself for x,y and z mistakes. I was the only one blaming myself for a goal being scored that was simply not going to be stopped, not by myself or the goalie behind me. I started to dread games. I would always have an upset stomach hours leading up to them. I was so worried about what everyone in the stands thought of me and how I was playing. I got so in my head. It was draining and I think it made me feel a little burnt out. It’s not that I ever stopped loving playing or the game itself, I just couldn’t keep up with the standards in my head.
The same thing kind of happened with my blog and podcast recently.
If you are an AVID Operation Happiness follower, then you would have noticed that I haven’t been posting much on the blog, the podcast or on the Instagram over the last few months.
Throughout the school year, I was able to consistently push out content and balance it with my schoolwork. I put in the hours to edit all of my podcast episodes and get them out in a timely manner. I didn’t want to keep anyone waiting and wanted to keep people engaged, active and interested in my blog. I have been able to juggle this for almost three years now, and yet, all of a sudden I couldn’t. When school ended and I had to shift my focus to my internship, I had a hard time finding both the time and the energy to put into it like I had done so easily before.
I had recorded my first podcast of the summer on a Tuesday and had planned to get it out by the end of the week. Well, a week went by, and then another, and then another. I tried to sit down to edit it but had no motivation to take the time and do it right. Weird, that hasn’t happened to me before. I saw the days go by on my planner, with the red slash of Sharpie signaling the end of another day and still, no new blog, no new podcast, no new Instagram post.
I recently saw a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in a while and she mentioned to me how there hasn’t been as much activity on the page or blog lately and I freaked out. People have noticed? Oh no. And honestly, they had. Every single day I noticed people unfollow the Instagram account. Sure, it bothered me a little. It’s easy to get caught up in the number of followers and likes and comments, which is just draining in itself. When she said that, I thought about cranking out another podcast episode or writing some blogs about who knows what just so I could post something and be back on people’s radar, or at least, I felt like that is what my reaction SHOULD be. But should be according to who? My followers? Or me?
Maybe I was burnt out. Maybe it was a combo of me being tired from working all week and having no time or energy to put into this. Whatever it was, I just needed to take a step back.
During the time I was on my sabbatical, if you will, something happened where I learned to let go a little bit. No longer did I need to plan out my posts in order for my feed to look a sort of way. No longer did I need to care about how many visits my blog was getting in order to reach the (now unattainable) goal I had made for myself at the beginning of the year. No longer did I need to care about likes or comments or shares. All of those things were building up to create one big stress ball (and no, not the good squishy kind that I sell on my website).
When I first realized the feelings I was having, I told my sister. Once again, for I think the third time now in relation to this blog, she gave me the reality check I needed and basically said, this blog isn’t your personality trait or all you are. You do other things. It’s okay not to post all the time. Bless her cute soul.
I needed that time to basically reevaluate what my priorities were and realize what this blog and podcast and platform means to me. Why did I start it in the first place? Was it to have a billion followers and readers? Or was it to serve as an outlet for me and my thoughts and to make myself and others feel better? Do I want to be putting out content consistently based on a schedule that only exists in my head because I feel like I HAVE to...or else? Or do I want to be putting out content that I genuinely care about and have thought about, on a new schedule that might not be as consistent?
I think I just have to remember that I am a college kid doing this for FUN, F-U-N FUN, as a way to meet other people and a way to (hopefully) make others smile. There was a time last year where I thought that I would want to make this my BRAND or make this my full-time gig after college. Now, not so much. And THAT IS OKAY. This isn’t my 9 to 5. The only person putting pressure on myself and making up deadlines is me. You know what they say, you’re your own worst enemy.
After quitting club soccer and suddenly having ample amounts of free time on my hands, I was given the time to MISS the sport and MISS playing. I love watching games and I literally dream about playing again. After taking my sabbatical from posting on the blog, I realized that I was excited to come back and start again with less pressure and some new ground rules for myself.
Senior year Megan takes Operation Happiness. Let’s do this thing.