I am someone who is super social. Hiiiiiiiii.
I am also someone who gets super stressed. Byeeeeeeee.
But never have I ever been someone who gets socially stressed.
Sure, there have been times where going and doing things stressed me out because of the people I was going to be around. But that’s different. These days, I keep my circle of people I see on a regular basis quite tight and when it comes to certain social situations I get super duper nervous because of the actual situation itself.
It all started back in April - holy moly that is almost a year ago - when we were still new to the whole quarantine lifestyle. I hadn’t seen anyone except my family and I was going to go on a socially distanced walk with my friend. I actually wrote a blog about this and I will link it right here but the moral of the story is, at first I told him yes let’s walk, and then I sat and thought about it some more and then did my famous overthinking that I do so well, and then I started to cry, which I also do so well, and then realized that no, I wasn’t comfortable with it. The walk, yes. The worrying about what if I get him sick or what if he gets me sick? Not so much.
(And remember, crying is good for you too, per another blog I wrote that I will link here. Full of self promotion today, aren’t we.)
I tend to do that. You know, the whole doing things before I actually think about how they will make me feel after the fact? It’s something I am sure we can allll work on.
So, fast forward a few months to when I am back in Boston at school. Going on walks with people was really no longer an issue. They were one of my favorite (and honestly really only) things to do with people here in the city.
What was the new social situation that caused a lot of stress? My forever favorite activity: Eating.
Going out to eat with friends when it was nice outside was a beautiful thing. I didn’t have to worry about eating inside, there was a nice circulation of fresh air flowing around me and life was good...as was the food.
But, there were times where I felt stressed because in my head I worried that I was being a bit of a nuisance to my friends. Sometimes we had to wait a long time for an outdoor table which is annoying to begin with, but probably a lot more annoying when everyone but one person (me) feels comfortable enough to ditch the line and head inside. They reassured me that it was totally fine and to stop worrying, that it was a nice night outside and there was no reason not to sit there. They were right, but still, I worried.
Eventually, the seasons changed and the half of the year that becomes cold and cranky rolled around.
Woo hoo.
Hi my name is Megan and I am someone who isn’t comfortable eating indoors. There, I said it. While it’s for some people, I have come to realize that it really isn’t for me. Restaurants do the best they can to separate the tables and enforce mask wearing and if it really wasn’t safe I know that it wouldn’t be happening, but still. I just feel better sitting outside.
So, as it started to get colder and my friends were making dinner reservations, I would find myself having to ask if they could make sure it was outdoors. Again, really not a difficult question to ask but because I was the only one who cared it felt like I was being a bother. When the next week would roll around along with the next reservation, I would get a pit in my stomach and start to worry about how to make sure it was outside.
Should I have my friend ask if it was outside this time so it’s not me asking Every. Single. Time? She did. Because she is the best. Should I say I am allergic to everything in that restaurant and we need to go somewhere else? Solid idea. Should I try and make the next reservation so I can make sure it is somewhere with outdoor seating? Honestly, smart.
After eating outside all semester, it got really cold the night of our last dinner before break. Eventually, I sucked it up and ate inside. It was fun, the food was good, I was okay. But looking back on it, it just wasn’t something I needed to be doing again.
I have been back to school this semester for exactly a month now and within those four weeks there was an instance where I agreed to indoor dining and then had to back out. I think I originally said yes due to a combination of me wanting to see my friends but also not wanting to be annoying about my own reservations about their (dinner) reservations.
I told my friends that I would do it and they immediately asked “are you sure?”
They knew I wasn’t comfortable with it.
I knew I wasn't comfortable with it.
But I still said, “Yeah of course. It will be fine.”
I do this thing where if I am not 100% sure about something, I try and talk myself into it by literally saying what I will be doing out loud and why it will be okay and what I will be doing to make sure it will be okay. Odds are if I am doing that, I probably shouldn’t be doing whatever it is I am trying to talk myself into. Anyone else?
Well, within 24 hours I retold my plan a dozen times to myself and my friend, called my parents 5 times, stress cried about it, went to sleep thinking about it and then woke up saying JUST KIDDING I CAN’T MAKE IT. SORRY.
I then went back and forth a dozen more times and decided that I wanted to see my friends and that I would be as safe as I personally possibly could be by staying masked up when I wasn’t eating. I was even planning on not eating the chips and salsa...which is like...crazy of me. But I was willing to do it.
Originally, I had texted them saying I couldn’t make it. Hours later, I then said I actually was coming but that my pretty little face would be masked up the majority of the time. Did I need to preface the dinner with that tidbit? No. But I think I did it to prevent potential questioning of it. I don’t know. But we don’t owe anyone an explanation when it comes to our comfort. Remember that.
Anyways, I was so nervous on the way there and when we went inside to find our table, the manager said that the rest of our party was already seated outside in a little house / igloo thing. Oh my gosh! WHAT A RELIEF. And to think I wasn’t going to go! Sometimes, things just work out. I ended up having such an amazing time. I still wore my mask when I wasn’t eating, I didn’t feel weird about it and it was so good to see my friends.
Listen up buttercup:
Don’t apologize for not being comfortable with something.
Don’t feel like you need to do something just because you are the only one on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Don’t feel like you are the only one. You aren’t.
Do what makes you feel your best.
Stop and think: Am I going to be worrying about this later? If the answer is yes, don’t do it or don’t go. There will be plenty of other dinners and you can still interact with your friends, just in a different setting.
REMEMBER THAT THESE ARE YOUR FRIENDS AND THEY WILL SUPPORT YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!! Or at least, they should. I’m lucky mine do :)
Whether you get stressed out about the amount of people you see, the amount of people you don’t see, the activities your friends are doing that you don’t really have any control over, the activities you wish you could be doing and are missing out on, eating indoors, not wanting to get takeout food at all, hugging people, THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON with this pandemic. Just don’t worry about what anyone else is doing and focus on you. Focus on what makes YOU feel safe and comfortable and calm, cool and collected.
With all of that being said, it is important to still try and live your life and make memories and be social - or at least, that is what my mom tells me. Just make sure you do it in a way that makes you feel the most comfortable and don’t worry about what other people will think! I know, I know. That is a lot easier said than done. But just try.
And remember to smileeeeee. It’s good for you.
