Hookup Culture - Confessions #2

It’s back to school season which means spending insane amounts of money on books, getting a new wardrobe even though we won’t be leaving our rooms and gearing up for another round of drama surrounding relationships and hookups! College just isn’t college without those three things. It’s been a few months since a confession on this topic was posted and I got a lottttt of submissions this time around. If you were one of the awesome people who sent in an excerpt and don’t see it here, it’s just because there were too many! It will be in the next one! There is a lot about first college experiences and thoughts on the hookup culture that college entertains, so buckle up. This is going to be a good one! 

“Even before college I had expectations for hookup culture. It’s basically everywhere. It’s just known in college when you put all these teenagers together with no supervision everyone’s going to wild out. However, I’m one of the lucky ones that met my boyfriend freshman year, through a hookup. Luckily I got out of the college hookup crowd pretty quickly. It’s full of boys wanting too much and girls feeling like they have to give it all... It’s the pressure of hookup culture and it’s toxic.” 

There is definitely a heavy amount of pressure that comes with hooking up in college, for both girls and guys. People start to count, compare, judge, repeat. The talk amongst your friends becomes who did you get with the night before or what went wrong. Eventually, that talk spreads outside of your friends and before you know it everyone knows who got with who. Someone always ends up feeling bad and that shouldn’t be the case. I feel like there is this HUGE misconception that going to college requires you to get with someone every time you go out to a party or else the night wasn’t a good one. 

Let me put it this way:  Nobody cares whether or not you get with 100 people or 0 people while you are at college - although 100 seems a bit much and I would maybe tone it down a bit. It is NOT a competition, even though some people like to pretend that it is. You do you!

“The first boy that I had sex with at college was in the same circle as me. We made out at a party and that was it. Then, the next day was another party and that night we had sex. It’s weird to think about because we were hooking up consistently but only when we would go out to the club or a party...it was never on a Tuesday, you know? It was strictly weekends. But I was fine with it. I would be more excited to go out because I knew I had someone to hook up with…but then winter break happened and we came back and I was ready to see him again but the feeling wasn’t mutual...lol....I felt so shitty because I was like why doesn’t he want to date me?!”

First of all, that boy should’ve been talking to you on a Tuesday because you deserve to be talked to on a weekday, not just over the weekend. I HATE how you can get with someone at a party, see them the next day walking to class and ignore each other and then see them that night and all is fine again. No, that isn’t how communication works. That shouldn’t be how this works. Second of all, I totally get the feeling of being excited to go out knowing that there is someone there who will be looking for you and wanting to see you there. But, why can’t we just enjoy a night out with our friends without the thought of having to hookup with someone?

“My single friends are such fun, smart, beautiful people who should have no problem finding love, but today’s hookup culture is so hindering! So many opportunities for real connection are lost when we default them to casual hookups, the widely accepted norm on college campuses. It’s hard to open up to someone when there’s a chance you’re just their current f***. Emotions and loyalty are newly against the grain.” 

This person is so right. I am fun, smart and beautiful! I’m just kidding. But seriously, what ever happened to the good old fashioned asking somebody out on a date? Yeah, I said it. A DATE. It’s like our generation is allergic to that concept or something. (If you just sneezed, bless you.) I hate to break it to you, but no, messaging over Snapchat a few times a week or hanging out after a party does not count. I know, shocking. Maybe try to get to know someone you like! Get coffee after class...and drink it together over Zoom! 

“I was in a long distance relationship for most of my college experience, so I have just recently participated in “hookup culture.” I think the most important thing to remember when engaging in hookup culture is to set standards and stick to them. It’s hard to summarize everyone’s experience in one statement because everyone truly responds to hookup culture differently. For me, I know that I can’t have a physical connection with someone without feelings attached, so I know to be more cautious in that area. I have friends that are able to hook up with someone and don’t need more, but since I know that I am not that way, I set boundaries to make sure that I am respecting my needs. At the same time, though, sometimes it can be fun to let go a little bit and realize that it isn’t always so serious. As long as you feel comfortable, I say do what feels right for you!” 

I think that setting boundaries sounds like a good plan. It might be easier said than done, but it is a great idea. When you get to college, you may feel like you have to jump into certain things right away and that isn’t the case. You’ll come to realize sooner or later what you are comfortable with doing in terms of what you want out of the situation. Everyone is different. Just because your friends hook up with a bunch of different people without wanting more doesn’t mean that you have to do the same thing. Like I said before, you do you. Take a second to think about what it is that you want and what it is that will make you feel your best, not the opposite.

“I guess I generally stray from one night stands and such because of the emotional aftermath. I find myself really confused and yearning for something or regretting that decision after the fact...I tend to reserve that for people that I am emotionally invested in. Regarding the general vibe around hookup culture, I think it creates a lot of issues because people go out with the sole purpose of wanting to have sex, and maybe doing things that they wouldn’t normally do in order to achieve that. Even at the most liberal and progressive schools, a lot of people feel unsafe at parties and with good reason. Overall I think that sex and physical intimacy are things that should be talked about before during and after it’s happened and communication among sexual partners is something that’s often lacking in a lot of college communities.” 

I like what this person said. In fact, say it louder for the people in the back! There is absolutely, 100% an emotional component of being with somebody whether both parties want to admit it or not. Even if there was just a kiss involved! I don’t like using the term “attached” because it sounds kind of obsessive, but it’s totally normal to catch feelings or want more out of someone after hanging out with them once or twice. That’s called getting to know someone! Unfortunately, there are people out there, both guys and girls, who don’t really take those feelings into account, and in the end often hurt the other person in the situation whether they realize they are doing it or not. Moral of the story: Don’t get with someone just because you feel like you HAVE to get with someone. If that is going to make you upset the next day or regret it, don’t do it. If you think it might make the other person upset the next day or regret it, don’t do it. 

Hookup Culture - Confessions #1

Chivalry is not dead - or so I’m told. 

Because let me tell you, there aren’t many “relationship” situations that do not involve a late night text on a Saturday night or utter lack of communication. How chivalrous! But, that’s not to say that there aren’t relationships that form from a random hookup one night and those shouldn’t be discredited. 

A lot of people expect to go off to college and find ~the one, and that is definitely possible. Others go off to college to experiment or to experience things that they were maybe missing in high school. All are totally normal things to do. But, there are plenty of people who have come to terms with the reality that is ‘hooking up in college’ for many. I’m going to share some responses from followers who submitted them and share my thoughts on them…

First: 

“Hookup culture tends to be a bit stressful. I don’t really understand how it works. My homies and I, however, abstain from hookup culture. If you want to kiss my best friend, you are going to have to take him out to dinner first.”

*slow clap for this person* 

I love this. Take a girl to dinner first. It’s as easy as that. I feel like growing up watching tv and movies, we would see people go on dates all the time in middle school, high school and college. What a major let down it was to grow up in an age where technology has somehow trumped that and where sending a snap message asking “you up?” is somehow better than going to get milkshakes...Let me know how that adds up. 

I also want to emphasize the “you are going to have to take him to dinner first.” A lot of times, people think that it’s the guy who has to make the first move and it’s the guy who is showing this immature behavior. Not all guys feel that way. Girls, you aren’t out of the woods! 

And then there is this: 

“Hookup culture is not always what a typical “college hookup culture” makes it out to be. There’s a huge stigma around sex and the fact that it is expected but I’ve had quite the opposite experience. There are still people who want to take things slow or hang out and get to know you. Hookup culture as we know it is not always super sexual.” 

I am all about hanging out and getting to know someone. If I don’t know what your favorite color is and whether or not you like The Office after our first conversation, then it wasn’t a long enough chat. By the way, mine is green and I’ve seen The Office four times. 

This person also likes the hanging out part:

“I don’t like hookup culture in college because I’d rather get to know someone before I get with them or do anything of the sort with them, but that’s simply not normal here (at least within the party scene.) I find it weird how you can get with someone and share an intimate moment and then potentially never speak to them again.” 

The whole idea of how getting to know someone before hooking up isn’t normal at certain college campuses is an interesting one. If you think about it, I guess it’s true. How are you supposed to form a real connection with someone in the basement of Kappa Apple Pi if the seizure-inducing party lights are bouncing off the walls and No Hands is playing on repeat? And the whole having a moment and potentially never speaking ever again thing? Not a fan. Not a fan of ghosts. Don’t be that guy or girl. You were raised better than that. 

This person clearly got to know someone very well: 

“I dated a guy three years in college, definitely thought he was the one and then it ended senior year. It was tough as hell but it’s also one of those things like we all think college is the end but in reality we have SO much life left to live.” 

I’ve never really been in a real relationship. Going into my freshman year of college I remember thinking wow, I am going to find my husband here. Fast forward a year later and I ended up transferring - let’s just go with it was because I didn’t see any real candidates. The point that is super important to note here is how things could be so set in stone one moment, and change the next. College is great, but don’t discredit all the years to come after. 

This person, had a different experience:

“Freshman year hookups were overwhelmingly frequent, especially because we rushed first semester. I recall hearing from the older guys, “girls don’t have friend groups yet, so you can get with anyone,” and it was true. No one had a history, barely anyone knew anyone, and no one seemed to judge because everyone was doing it.” 

I’m not a guy and I didn’t rush a frat, so I can’t really attest to the whole frat culture thing and what that must be like. Am I a fan of what those “older guys” said? Obviously not. How…manipulating? Is that even the right word? It’s gross and entitled. But, that’s college. And people have to be aware of the situations that could arise. As for frat parties, I do know that it’s a lot of the same guys getting with a lot of the same girls, and that’s just because the same people go to the same parties. Happens. That’s also how the freshman plague and mono comes around. But like I said, happens. 

And lastly, this person knows what’s up: 

“To get a girlfriend because you feel incomplete is foolish and selfish. It’s to put her in the place of completing me. It’s wrong. So a person needs to become self confident first, and run their own lives.” 

This one is so important. College is all about YOU. They are YOUR four years of independence and freedom and you can do with them what you please. If you aren’t the kind of person who likes to casually hook up with a bunch of different people, maybe Tinder isn’t for you. Or Bumble. Or Hinge. Or whatever the kids are doing these days. I feel like people are always concerned with their numbers and how many people they get with but guess what? Nobody’s counting! And it’s nobody’s business.

Especially now during quarantine, it’s a time to focus on yourself. What do you want when you get back to school? 

**I find it important to note that these opinions were submitted from both boys and girls, to show how it’s not always a one-sided situation. Thank you to everyone who sent in responses and shared their feelings with me! Much appreciated. Xx.