I try to keep it positive on this blog but I also try to keep it really real and relatable. So, I wanted to talk about something that is more of an idea than something that people discuss on a day to day basis. 

Grief. 

I feel like people associate grief simply with tears being shed and being sad when someone you know passes away. Or maybe that’s just what I used to think. I now realize that it is something that can hit you at any point after the fact, whether it be days, months or years. Anything can trigger it. A photo, a milestone, a memory. What did it for me recently? A random video of strangers, 12 years later.

Yup. You heard me. A video of complete strangers made me cry about my Grandpa dying. Let’s break it down a little bit, shall we? 

My Grandpa passed away in 2008 from a six month battle with Pancreatic Cancer. I was only 8 years old. I remember my sister and I being sat down by our parents in the basement one day in August of 2007 to tell us that Grandpa was sick. I probably just nodded and took in the information without it really processing - 8 is really young to do that sort of thing. I knew cancer was bad but I really didn’t think about it too much. 

Six months went by, he got sicker and sicker to the point of him not being able to talk or get up off the couch. I remember going to say bye for the last time. I whispered in his ear “I love you,” left the room and the next day or two he was gone. 

The funeral was the first time I ever saw my dad cry. Sob, actually. My cousins were crying too. They were only a year or three older than me, so I figured I should be crying too. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t. I remember looking around the temple seeing strangers crying. He was MY grandpa. I SHOULD be crying. I made myself yawn so that my eyes would be watery. 

Fast forward five years later in the same exact congregation that the funeral took place where I couldn’t cry. It was my Bat Mitzvah. I was giving a speech about my grandpa’s battle with Pancreatic Cancer when I suddenly choked on a word and started sobbing. In front of everyone. It only took five years and my grandpa missing a huge milestone in my life for me to cry about him being gone. 

Since then, I’ve teared up and probably cried a few times about it, but never to that extent. That is, until a few weeks ago. 

Like many, I have a slight teeeeeny tiny addiction to my phone. The other day, I was just doing my thing and saw a video of a grandpa behind a glass window in a hospital, sitting in a wheelchair. On the other side were his two grandchildren in their graduation caps, gowns and diplomas. Cue the waterworks. The grandpa was crying, the grandchildren were crying and I soon joined in. Yes, it was a touching moment and I probably would’ve teared up regardless. But the tears were flowing and I couldn’t stop. 

I think about him all the time. And over the years there have been times where I got upset that he wasn’t there to see something. My grandpa never saw me finish elementary school, middle school, graduate high school and he won’t see me graduate college. The only cap and gown he saw me in was when I graduated from preschool. Not much of an accomplishment, but an accomplishment that he got to experience nonetheless. 

Is it wrong that I get jealous when I see my friends with their grandpas or both of their grandparents? I can’t help it! It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside seeing them together, but a little bit sad at the same time. 

For now, there are two things that remain constant: I spend way too many hours on my phone and I think about my grandpa every single day. Miss you! Love you!