I hate Halloween. I know, I know. Hate is a strong word. I guess I could say that I strongly dislike Halloween if that makes you feel better or less offended. I didn’t always feel this way, for the record. Besides, I am much more of a Thanksgiving and Christmas kind of gal. 

When I was younger, it was so much fun. We had a Halloween Spooktacular Assembly in elementary school, all of the teachers would give us candy, we would decorate cookies and more. Oh, and we can’t forget about the Halloween Safety program where older students came to our classes to tell us not to eat candy that was already unwrapped - we already know everyone ate candy that was unwrapped. We were young and we were animals when it came to sugar, sue us! 

The plans were always made and we did the same thing every year. My friends and our parents would go trick-or-treating on this one street that everybody and their mother, literally, went to. We would all eat dinner before and play outside, go out and then come back to trade and compare our candy. It was familiar. It was easy. It was fun. Except the time I got an apple...who the FRICK gives out APPLES on Halloween? Dentists, that’s who. Or crazy people. 

I am someone who gets really scared really easily. I don’t do scary movies or the dark or haunted houses. I would probably pee my pants. But that isn’t even why I don’t like Halloween. 

As I got older and left the comforting halls of elementary school, Halloween lost its touch. Why? Well, we all know how girls can be, right? If you don’t, bless your soul. I’ll break it down for you. 

Girls can really suck sometimes. No offense. There is just always some sort of drama and gossip and competition going on. ESPECIALLY when it comes to friend groups and cliques and blah blah blah. It would literally be the second week of school and girls would already be claiming their costume for the year. 

“Well we are being vampires so you can’t be vampires.” 

“We have dibs on the hot pants and button down.”

I don’t even know what costume that is, but DON’T try to get between a girl and her American Apparel hot pant shorts things. 

God forbid you tried dressing up on your own. If I could’ve been a hotdog every dang year, I would have. But, I let the peer pressure get to me. For those of you out there who want to be a hotdog but are feeling like you need to be a cop or a nerd or a sexy something, stay strong. Do your thing.

Then there would be the drama of where you would be going on the actual night of Halloween or the weekend before. Who was having a party? Would you be invited? What else is there to do, go trick-or-treating?

I remember one Halloween party I went to, a few of my friends and I left to go trick-or-treating on the street and then went back later. Just a quick candy break - and drama break. Plus, a house on that street was giving out FULL-SIZED candy bars. I have a special place in my heart for those houses.

Moral of the story is as I’ve gotten older, it has gotten less fun. Plus, I eat candy literally every single day. My kitchen is always stocked. So it’s not like Halloween is a special sugar crazy occasion like it was when I was younger. I don’t need my mommy to buy me candy - besides, if she knew how much I was buying she would yell at me and tell me to eat a vegetable. Hi Mom 😚

My favorite Halloween memory from me being in high school was this: I brought my hotdog costume and my mustard bottle costume over to my friend’s house. We put them on and walked into town to eat dinner at the Thai restaurant. Yes, we were still wearing our costumes. It was iconic. And because you are wondering what I ordered, it was my Thai usual: Chicken Pad See Ew.

Oh, another reason why I don’t love this holiday is because people make me feel bad about genuinely enjoying candy corn. IT IS GOOD, OKAY? In fact, I tweeted about it and it got 12 likes and 1 comment so basically I am Twitter famous. Go follow me @megancklein 💛😚

So to all the young kids out there, cherish your young Halloweens. Before you know it, the night won’t end with you sitting in a circle with your friends counting up your candy and trading your mediocre Milky Way for a bag of sour Skittles. Wow. That was deep.